Oink.

http://www.geocities.com/tobito_abad/baboy.jpg

now, a warning

Sign on one of the walls of a Korean restaurant in Makati:

Uh-huh. 

dark bulb was brilliant

And I almost missed it.  And I partly missed it.  This I remember from over a month ago, when Dark Bulb, Nelz Yumul’s first ever exhibit was held (see post somewhere below).

A few days before the event, Nelz called me to ask if I could print up some certificates of authenticity for him, as his printer was semi - dead.  This was when we both thought that I would get to Gloria Jean’s early, and there would be enough time to cut the certificates to proper size.  Hah.

This is the “almost missed it” part.  I tried, tried to get to GJ before 8:00 p.m., but I was coming from Makati and the traffic was typical (v. bad) for a Monday night.  I got there at 8:30 (Nelz was there at 4:00) and barely had time to hand Nelz the certificates before he had to meet and greet his guests.  Beerkadet Naja was there to support Nelz, and so were Artists’ Den members Syeri, Yamiyo, Lyndon, Lico, Lei and honorary Beerkadet/AD member Beard Papa.

Even though Nelz takes great pictures, I was Mamarazzi that night (I take ugly pictures but I sure take a lot of them), because he was busy hosting the show (DeemLight and Project Fusion played great sets) and attending to his family (Mom and Brothers were there), AJ, friends, NMI officemates and fans. 

Nelz gave out bookmarks and sold his digital prints (nicely framed) at the event.  The 8 x 10s cost 500 pesos and the smaller ones (were those 4 x 6s?) were priced at 100.  If you missed this exhibit, then you missed out on this excellent stuff.  I wanted to buy the one with a dog in it (natch, check out the pic below, you won’t miss it), but someone else beat me to it, grrrr.  I heard someone wanted to buy all of the smaller prints.  Nelz is a really talented artist, and he’s cute, too (this according to the GJ staff).  He’s thinking of doing something like this again; I’ll be sure to let you know when and where.  In the meantime, check out these pictures (and some more in my gallery):

Oh, and the “partly missed it” part?  Dark Bulb ran for a week, and I was going to attend the closing, but crap, crap, crap and so I missed that.  Thanks anyway to Gloria Jean’s (Paul again, and Leo, wag mo ako kalimutan, ha?) for hosting my baby brother’s exhibit (more! more!) and to Artists’ Den for supporting their members this way.  Until next time.            

m hir na.

I’m baaaaack.  Somewhat.  Over the next few days I will be updating my blog, possibly double- or triple-posting until I’m finally in sync.  Okay, I’ll try my best.  I can’t do a ketchup post, because doing that meant a long article for just a week of non - posting.  I’ve been gone a little over a month and that would probably mean a really, really, really long article (me being me).  No can do.  So, unti - untiin.
   
But first things first: Although I am a certified gadget junkie, I have not quite acquired the “taste” for the shorthand writing that comes with some of the new technology.  Wat I min 2 say is dat I cnt ryt dis way.  I2ng gngwa q d2 sobra2 n.  Okay, so I can.  But I won’t.  I haven’t felt the need for it.  I thumb-type pretty fast, so no problem there.  And I can read the darn things very well, too.  I’m good with languages, and I daresay this is a new language of sorts.  I just won’t do it.  I’m truly, truly not being a snob here.  I just want to keep doing it the regular way.  

A friend of mine says it’s quicker and much easier 2 do it dis way.  Writer Isagani Cruz says text message - writing can actually help gauge how well today’s youth read and write, and can even help sharpen their grammar skills.  I think he’s right.  See, if a person sends a text message, he obviously wants that message to be understood.  Now, if he writes d msg dis way and expects to be understood, then he must know which vowels to drop, how to properly combine letters and the right - sounding numbers (so he must know how to properly pronounce words, too) into words, and how to arrange the words in a manner that will be understood.  Therefore, he must know correct grammar.  The same goes for the one receiving and reading the message.  Then there’s Dot Mobile, a company offering mobile phones to students.  They’ve just recently begun a service that provides student subscribers with text message - style summaries of literary classics (as in “2b or nt 2b”).  This can’t hurt.  If it’ll get people to read the classics and understand them, then I’m all for it.

But I don’t think I’ll do it.  I really love words and I’d much, much rather see them whole.  But that’s just me.  Go ahead and send me those shorthand messages because I can handle them (wag lang yung over. “Q” replacing “ko” is just plain irritating.  So is “Gd pm pooh“.  That’s another story.).  And I’ve been known to drop a vowel here and there din naman.  But that’s as far as I’ll go.

To close: this is my second post after a long hiatus, and there will be more updates.  But I won’t write them in shorthand. Nt netym soon.  <—- Kidding.    

ah.

Okay, so I said that I’d delete the post below if I was un-mad enough.  But now I’m thinking I shouldn’t, because if I start – as will in this post – thanking people without even half - explaining what the gratitude was all about, then all will be as confusing as this sentence.

ANYWAY, I called i.ph from work maybe a day or two after (soonest I could) I had seen my blog so messed up. I spoke to — this is embarassing — Gigi. Gina? She was very helpful, and I’m not just saying this because I can’t remember her name (forgive me, this was like a month ago).  I asked her to check my blog, and after she had seen for herself that something was wrong with it (I had her check it on both Explorer and Opera), she consulted with someone and was back quickly with an explanation: the Calliope system, she said, was being updated and that may have caused stuff on my blog (and some others’) to go awry. Fine, I said.  But my piss - making was due to the thought that I may have to re - do my blog.  She assured me that they were working on everything right quick and that all I had to do was wait some.  Then I would wake up the next day and all would be well.  All right, she didn’t really put it that way.  And it didn’t happen that way either.  `Twas even better.  

I left my phone number with her and made her promise to call or send me a text message as soon as everything was okay.  ”Soon” was later that afternoon.  Gina (Gigi?) updated me with text messages every so often. By the end of the day, my blog was almost back to normal.

The next day, a (oh, crap, here I go again) Joanna? Michelle? Whatever it was, it was a beautiful name, and this time I am just saying this because I can’t remember what it was, but it wasn’t anything odd like Rollenita or Damascula.  ANYWAY, she was from i.ph, too, and she sent me a text message saying my blog was really back to normal now and that I should contact them again if there was anything more I needed (yeah, like she had to tell me, ako pa? ).  So I logged in to my blog to check.  And it was.

Back to normal.  The fonts were the right size (smallest), the pictures were all aligned, the captions were in place.  The bar at the bottom-most bottom-est bottom of the page was (and still is) off, but I can live with that — barely, but I can live with it.  I didn’t have to re - do my blog, and my piss - making had come to an end.

Here now, my thanks: to everyone at i.ph (I find the word “everyone” extremely helpful in short - term memory lapses), maraming salamat po.  What more can I say?  Sorry if I scared you guys, or if I sounded too crazy urgent.  Thank you for doing a great job.  And sorry about the “is it because my account is free?” comment.  I didn’t mean that.  Well, that’s not entirely true.  I did mean it.  I mean I meant to think it.  But you didn’t deserve it.  Thank you for putting up with that, and thank you for everything.  Of all the blog joints in the world, I had to walk into yours.  Right choice, eh?

While you’re at it, a premium account would be nice. Har, har. Worth a shot.              

eh?

I have not been posting because I’ve not had the time to. The most I’ve done with this blog is to view it for tags. This morning, just when I thought there was a bit of time to update it, I find it all…wrong. The letters are bigger, the whole blog seems smaller, the tagboard fonts are bigger, the pictures are all misaligned — what the hell?

I KNOW it wasn’t me. I haven’t even been logging in. And I would never, never let my blog go bad this way. I’m so OC and anal, I would never publish if my pictures were askew or went beyond the blog borders one bit like they’re doing now. So what gives?

I use two browsers and my blog is out of whack on both of them. I’ve looked at some other i.ph blogs and they seem to be off, too. Naja’s sidebar has turned brown and chompy’s has turned black. So it’s not the browser. I tried re-publishing but there’s a server error.

I’ve had minor problems before which i.ph addressed. Now I can’t get them on the phone.

Is it because my account is free? Is it their system? Is it something I said?

I’m obviously pissed. It seems like I have to do this whole thing over and that really ticks me off. I find it hard to even look at the blog with all the stuff in it messed up, and knowing that I might have to re - do everything. I try to fix it but the thing won’t let me.

Maybe when I’m not mad anymore I’ll delete this post.

Dratness.

komikon 2005 poststrip

Thanks to Beerkada creator Lyndon Gregorio for immortalizing me and my…er…addiction:

Like I said in The Beerkada Blog, the buttons never really made it to the board. I picked those that I wanted before they were displayed, thus sparing the buttons the trauma of being scotch - taped to the board. Concerned citizen ako!

What can I say? I’m a hoarder. A hoarder PWNED!

And you should’ve had more buttons printed, too.

komikon 2005: a view from the booth

Congratulations to the Artists’ Den, the driving force behind the kick - ass Komikon 2005, the 1st Philippine (that’s All - Filipino, galing!) Komiks Convention.  Komikon brought together artists and artists’ groups, aspiring comic artists, fans, kibitzers, serious collectors and mad shoppers like me for a whole day of komiks and contests and buying and selling and exchanging ideas and exhibits and meeting artists and autographs and booth - hopping and picture - taking and awards and awards - launching and man, that was a great day!

Yamiyo tells me that they were at the Bahay ng Alumni as early as five a.m., ready to set up, only to find out that there was no one to let them in.  Eventually of course, they were able to enter the venue to prime it up for some serious komik convention action.  I was there at 9:00 a.m. to serve breakfast to some of the organizers who were too busy to have any breakfast; they were able to get around to eating, but not soon enough (in batches pa, at around 11 a.m., the poor things).

I was there to help (wo)man the Artists’ Den booth, so I wasn’t able to go around much.  The good thing about it is I got first dibs on AD merchandise .  Beerkadet reinforcements came at around 11 a.m. in the form of Wing Zero and Oliver, who valiantly stayed by my side the whole day.  s2chard and iLenz also helped with the selling, and that s2chard can fold shirts, ha! Very professional! 

My first customers (pre - reinforcements, that is) were three Mapuans, two of which made me think I was seeing double:

              
It turns out I was.  I looked from left to right and this guy’s hair grew in length right before my very eyes.  Sabi ko, "Kambal ba kayo?"  and they said, "Opo."  In unison, of course.  So, I said "Hay, salamat, akala ko maaga pa lang, nahihilo na ako, eh."  That was my first big laugh of the day.

My biggest highlight, of course, was seeing Monsy.  Monsy is the shy Beerkadet we’ve been bugging to show face since that almost - meeting at Gloria Jean’s for the Beerkada Book Signing.  For a while Yamiyo thought Monsy was just an Urban Legend.  But I saw, him, and I’ve got pictures to prove it:

                       
Ayan, ha? Nagsasabi ako ng totoo.  There were witnesses, too.  I was sitting behind the long table, almost zoning out, when I saw this guy looking over the Beerkada Merchandise.  That was all I needed: "MONSY!!!", I screamed.  The others thought I had gone crazy.  At may balak pa yatang wag magpakilala ulit itong Monsy na `to.  Huli ka!  There.  It’s all good now.  If every Beerkadet is required a legacy, let this be mine: that I found Monsy, and pointed him out to everyone else.  Bwahaha! I am crazy.

Some other memorable moments include seeing s2chard live for the first time (he says ako ang unang nakakilala sa kanya doon), having my books signed (by Arnold Arre, Ryan Orosco – talagang hindi kami lahat ganun, ha? – and Manix Abrera), seeing Syeri go the whole day without her glasses on, watching her and Henry and Yamiyo and Jon na parang mga sinusian, takbo dito, takbo doon, seeing Lei take on double duty yet again,  watching the other Beerkadets come in one by one to lend their support (Naja, Kai, mikel, Fraggle, Cessie, Criscel — mag-register ka na! – Lorie, Sheena), announcing the winners of the Beerkada Boxed Set Giveaway Contest, seeing Yamiyo make a chore of staying away from the AD Booth for one creepy (but very valid) reason, catching a glimpse of the elusive (and armed) Fifty - Peso Ninja, seeing the pile of money from brisk sales grow larger and larger, having to compute that money and divvy it up and reconcile it with the remaining inventory (sus, kaya nga nag - MassCom, eh ), meeting all these great artists and hearing them talk about their craft, watching young komiks artists get a first crack at their dreams.  This was a great day for all komiks enthusiasts.  Remember this day, y’all.

I admire the members of the Artists’ Den who, shorthanded as they were, dared to dream and braved the waters and worked hard (my goodness, Syeri, may powers ka! Mga lightning bolt kayong lahat.) and pulled off this big event. I can’t congratulate you enough.  Good job.  I’m thinking pencils and art supplies with the Komikon logo for next year.  And sketchbooks and more buttons and pins and more shirts and stickers.  If you guys need help again next year, I’m in.     

True, we were all busy and sweaty and dehydrated and my fingernails were dirty and hindi ako self-combing and nakakalito ang magbilang ng pera and there wasn’t much time for me to go around but who cares?  I truly, truly had fun.  I loved my view from behind the booth.  It was the best spot there.

P.S. This is not a very good article, is it?  I guess I haven’t fully recovered from the work. Or maybe I’m still high from it.  But there will be several better articles and posts and stuff coming out within the next few days, from others who were there and who have their own take on Komikon 2005.  The wave of posts has already started.  Check out the Beerkada blog and forum, plus the other links above, and my gallery for more pictures (some stolen, some mine) and words.  See you all next year.           

on the way to komikon 2005

I made a quick stop to Eunilane Grocery in Kalayaan Avenue for some chichiria and to get Lorie her Hi-Ro (but mostly for some chichiria).  Chips go with dip, so I hauled myself over to that section and found this:

                           
Hmm, maybe they really have lots of it.  If they didn’t, they’d probably call it French Onion Shallow.

Then I was off to McDonald’s to get Pancake Breakfasts for 5 people.  On the way in, I was asked for barya by this pint - sized panhandler:

                          
I didn’t give him any money then.  While I was waiting for my order, though, he walks up to me again and asks me to turn 20 bucks worth of his coins into a bill.  I gave him a twenty peso bill and told him to keep his coins.

I wonder, though, did I just give him money for drugs?  Or maybe he’ll buy something else with it like junk food, or a plastic toy, or gum?  Maybe he’ll panhandle some more so he can buy something more expensive? Anything that he can’t ask his parents for because they can’t afford it?

I just hope it’s not for something bad.  This is one of the few times that I’m happy that 20 pesos does NOT go a long way.

random again

CAB-BLUETOOTH-AN Coding, so I had to take a cab to work. My message alert tone was being papansin (kaya nga alert eh); I think a friend and I were finalizing plans to see each other later that evening. So, anyway, panay sigaw ng “Darna!” ng cellphone ko. At some point in traffic, the cabbie turns to me and says, “Ma’am, `Darna!’ po pala ang ringtone (sic) n’yo.” I nodded absently, while replying to yet another text message. Then he goes, “Ma’am, excuse, pwede pong pa - Bluetooth?” Siyempre, I agreed. It’s not everyday that you get driven to work by a cabbie with a Nokia Series 60 phone. Ako nga sa loyalty program ko lang nakuha yung phone ko. `Nay, baka mabilis ang metro n’ya?

BEERKADA I love this comic. Ever since it came out in the Philippine Star seven years ago, one day before its creator’s birthday, I have been following the strip and have been a hoarder of its excellent (ahem) merchandise. I don’t know if it’s because I’m from U.P. and the comics bring back sooo many memories, or because it’s so intelligently funny, it makes me laugh out loud sometimes, or because it’s crazy and so am I. I just love Beerkada. Sana kayo rin.

PRANING You know those gadgets in toilets that spray fragrance every few minutes? The ones that go “Psst!” It’s supposed to be a pre - programmed (?) spray, right? We have it in the office. My paranoia is that it sprays only when I’m in the toilet. Either it somehow knows that it’s me in there, so it really needs to work extra hard or my pee is so toxic the gadget just has to react violently.

Oi, I gotta get some rest.

dark bulb: nelz yumul at gloria jean’s

Nelz and I go back a few years.  We were…uh… slaves together.  He didn’t say much when I first met him but that silence didn’t last long.  Soon we were talking about comics and movies and music and books and his girls and my dogs and a lot of other things, we shared trips to Subic and Baguio with the Merch Family, met up lots of times and talked some more over coffee (which he doesn’t drink much of.  Well, we talked over the coffee a lot.), went to parties and got drunk (that would be mostly me).  He takes great pictures and makes great home movies.  I love him because he’s funny and he treats his girlfriend well.  He’s my baby bro.  

And he’s one hell of a talented artist. Hell of a.  Artists’ Den member, Burst Graphics artist… `turns out that, while I do enjoy talking to him, he doesn’t have to say much.  Alls he has to do is show you his work.  Excellent stuff.  I love his collages. 

Now you all get a chance to see his art, and maybe even take some of it home.  Block off October 24, Monday, 8:00 p.m.  You’re going to Gloria Jean’s in Gateway, Cubao.  Those of you who’ve gone to other AD events know the drill — a 500 - peso GJ purchase gets you a freebie from the featured artist.  It might not be a caricature, though, unless you want to look like his poster.  You’ll probably get some prints which you should keep safe because this guy’s art is important.   For a preview of his work, you should visit his Deviant Art space.  But there’s nothing like seeing the real thing and getting to talk to the artist himself.

So go.  It’s his first exhibit.  I promise you it’s well worth the wait.

it must be the shirt.

Still on the topic of Ninja Fiesta (see post below) night–well, not really, but read on–allow me to take you back to August 27 (I think it was), the final night of Syeri Baet’s Carpool event at Gloria Jean’s.  It was on this fateful night that we first met Ariel (NOT Atienza) Ornum, a friend of Beerkadet mikel, and one of two Ariel Atienza spin-offs (the other being “NOT Ariel Atienza”. See the difference? Anyway..)

That night outside Gloria Jean’s, Beerkada creator Lyndon Gregorio was having a discussion with his Beerkadets.  Our support of Syeri fuelled his fears (naks!) that Beerkadets are For Hire (not true. We have yet to meet and close with our first customer.), and that our loyalty to him is suspect (Meh.).  The Beerkadets, of course, vehemently denied this [;)].  Then Ariel (NOT Atienza, and I’ll keep doing this, too, everytime his name is mentioned) walks in on this scene and sweetly asks the esteemed Mr. Gregorio to sign his comic book.  His CARPOOL comic book.  The incident spawned this here comic strip, y’all:
         
            

Fast forward to October 14, also at Gloria Jean’s, this time for Lico’s Ninja Fiesta event (ayan, na-justify ko na ang opening line ko), where Ariel (NOT Atienza) makes another, only his second, appearance.  The Beerkadets were talking to recruit Andy, also a friend of Beerkadet mikel, who is thinking of joining the group:

NAJA: Alam mo, para makilala mo kami, mag-join ka ng Forum.  Nag-register ka na ba?  ANDY: Hindi pa po.  JINKY: Aba, mag-register ka na! Mikel, tulungan mo siya, ha?  NAJA: At siyempre, magbasa ka ng Beerkada. Nakabasa ka na ba ng kahit anong Beerkada?  ANDY: Hindi pa po.  JINKY: Ay, magbasa ka na! Meron sa…

ARIEL (NOT Atienza): Oo nga. Dapat binabasa mo! Alam mo, maganda ang Beerkada at nakakatawa! Tignan mo ako, lagi kong dala ito…

And he takes out his comic book.  His CARPOOL comic book.

Do you see the pattern emerging?  Now, on to my theory.  Consider, if you will, this photograph of Ariel (NOT Atienza) from August 27:

                                  
Notice the red Lacoste shirt? Now, may I shift your attention to this photograph of Ariel (NOT Atienza) from October 14:

                            
Pardon Naja, she goes nuts when she’s really busy. But do you notice anything red and common to both Ariel (NOT Atienza) pics?  Anyway, I was thinking it could be mikel’s presence that was causing all this to happen to Mr. Gregorio.  But mikel had left earlier than Ariel (NOT Atienza) on the 27th, and Ariel (NOT Atienza) came on his own on the 14th.

I therefore conclude that it’s the shirt that’s causing all this mayhem.  Shall we exorcise? :) 

ninja fiesta!

With 2 and a half special projects, and about a million more ongoing (I exaggerate, this is true), I’ve had to work over- and double- time to get stuff out of the way and be able to go to Lico Reloj’s Ninja Fiesta at Gloria Jean’s in Gateway, Cubao.  Before that, I had already skipped the first 2 days (October 10 and 12) and missed seeing The Beerkadets who were able to go.  Dratness. But, as I always say, huli man daw at magaling, huli pa rin, pero at least umabot ako.  October 14 was the last day of the Ninja Fiesta and I was so glad I went.  Otherwise, would have had to wait until Komikon (October 22, Saturday, 11:00 am onwards; more details soon) to get my cool Fifty - Peso Ninja/Lico merchandise (Unleashed! to join my copy of The Fifty - Peso Ninja and bookmarks galore!).  Bonus: Beerkadets Naja, mikel, and Fraggle were there.  So were soon - to - be Beerkadets Ariel (NOT Atienza) and Andy, plus Artists’ Den members like Yamiyo [he was happy that day ] Lyndon Gregorio [siya yung gumagawa ng Beerkada? ], Syeri (Carpool), Ariel (The) Atienza (Class and West Side) and Nelz (he has a GJ event coming up, too; more about that later), all in support of Lico.  

The event, of course, was a success.  I was told it was really busy the first two nights, and that Friday, Lico hardly had time to eat because of all the caricatures he had to do.  He told me he had fun, though, and so did we.  Check out these pictures, and some more in my Gallery.  Congratulations to Lico Reloj and the Artists’ Den for a job well done! Ninja Na!!

                                 
                             Self Portrait                          Lyndon, Ryan and Ariel       
                                                                              (NOT Atienza)   

                            
                 Ariel (THE) Atienza and Sandy          Beerkadet Naja and Ariel
 

                             
                             Lico at Work                               Lico’s Art Wall
                         (ang daming fans!)
          
 

butt seriously

I have no updates because I’ve had no life beyond work. But you all know that; I’ve been telling you every chance I get. I don’t even remember half the stuff I did the past few days.

Last Saturday, I had a bit of time to go to Greenhills and pick up monsy’s copy of Final Fantasy 7: Advent Children. Then I was off to National Bookstore in SM City North Edsa to buy office supplies because I love office supplies and National Bookstore is one of my favorite shops. At SM, I bumped into Kai (Sara saw me first) and that was such a surprise, probably moreso for Kai because I had my dorky eyeglasses on and looked like — well, not naman a taong - grasa, but more like a taong - langis; ang oily ko noon. Did I scare you, Kai? Then, alas, I went back home and took to keyboard. Booooorrrrrinnng.

Sunday, I had a meeting at 2:00 pm. I know, “Sunday” and “meeting” in a sentence? Not a good thing.

After that, it’s all a blur. I know today I was in front of the computer all day. I had to take off my contact lenses and wear my dorky glasses because the screen glare was causing a sting in my eyes. And it really felt like my butt cheeks were stuck together forever. Seriously.  I also discovered a nicely strange or strangely nice magazine called “The Stick Insect Hunter“.  I just don’t remember anymore whether I discovered it today or a few years ago.  I am sooo in trouble.  Anyway, it’s a self - published art magazine by Andy Maluche, who’s been living in the Philippines for a while and loves it so.  He’s nuts but I like his work.  His butt’s all over the place.  Check out the site and you’ll see what I mean.   

On a more personal, less buttocky - note: I worked on my fellow Beerkadet Naja’s blog because, well, she couldn’t. I love her pictures. Check out the blog because it’s been recently updated. None too soon. And Paula, I felt the advice I gave you was the best I could for now. Please think some more. Trust me on this. It’ll work out, probably not as soon as you’d like, but it will all work out. “This too shall pass.” Believe me, when it does, you’ll wonder why you were so troubled. Forgive me if I worry about you. I give a shit. Love and peace, Baby Sis.

I promise to make more sense next time. Or I won’t post at all. Cross my butt, hope `to, `day!

other people’s stories

There was this guy who took a shit buck naked.  Pooped in the nude.  So there he was doing the deed, when he feels something cold grazing one of his butt cheeks.  Cold and slimy.  So he checks, because it was strange (yes, stranger than shitting in the nude).  He peeps through his legs and he sees a bayawak.  A bayawak.  In the toilet bowl.  While he was shitting.  So he panics and jumps up mid - shit.  And because he was stark naked, and he was in the toilet, for Pete’s sake, he had nothing for a weapon save for his maong pants that he hung on the doorknob.  So reaches out for it.  Meanwhile, the bayawak starts crawling out of the inodoro.  The guy flops the toilet lid down and the bayawak is half in and half out of the bowl.  The guy pushes down the lid to keep the bayawak from crawling all the way out.  So he’s got the lid down with his right hand, and he’s got the jeans with his left, and his back to the sink (it’s a small toilet).  How does he get out of this shit (literally)?  He decides to call out for the maid to help him.  But the door’s locked and she won’t hear him call out.  So he lifts his right leg and uses that to keep the bayawak in.  He transfers the jeans to his now - free right hand and reaches for the doorknob with his left.  But he remembers he’s naked, and covered in his own shit, so he flushed that idea down the toilet (pun bad and intended).  Meanwhile, the bayawak is now completely out of the inodoro.  The guy starts hitting the reptile with his jeans.  Whack, whack, whack!  Then he is able to somehow wrap the jeans around the bayawak, which just sits there.  Then the guy shits some more, cleans the shit off of the toilet’s floor and walls, takes a shower, gets a towel around his waist, goes out of the toilet with bayawak in maong in hand, and gets rid of the slimy and now even more stinky reptile by releasing it into the garden.

Then there were these two girls who had just gotten to sleep after a long day of work.  One was on the bed, and the other was on the floor.  Girl A on the bed, suddenly felt little feet — paws? — on the back of her hand.  So she jerked her hand up with a little “ay!”  Almost immediately, Girl B on the floor responds with an “ay!!” of her own.  The two jump up, and one of them turns the light on.  They see a mouse the size of a pickle staring at them, quite possibly very angry at the manner it was handled.  Girl B manages to get hold of a broom and hits the little thing.  Good move, except she hit it with the wrong end, the soft end of the walis.  Whack, whack, whack, plus a final push down.  Then Girl B releases the walis and sees that the mouse stopped moving.  She and Girl A were gleeful until they saw a twitch.  From the mouse.  It was not dead; being hit with the wrong end of the broom only rendered it unconscious.  The mouse shakes its head (really), got its bearings (maybe) and ran off.  Girls A & B went back to bed, Girl A with a rolled up newspaper and Girl B with the broom, which she promised to use the proper way in case the mouse came back for revenge.  Just in case.  They had both never seen a mouse lose consciousness before.  And they’ve never seen one regain it.  There was a first time for everything.

In a related incident, a bunch of guys were having a sleep - over at a friend’s house.  One of them was not only a heavy sleeper, he was also heavy - handed, literally.  So there he was, sleeping soundly, when he feels something icky with little nails running on his hand.  He thought it was just one of his sleep - over buddies messing with him with a feather.  With his still eyes closed and a grunt (he shall NOT be roused from sleep), he grabs the icky thing and just hurls it.  The next day, they wake up and see a single streak of blood on the wall in front of the heavy sleeper’s bed.  When they stepped closer to investigate, they followed the streak of blood down to the floor, where they found a dead mouse.  The mouse never knew what hit him.  Er, never knew what he hit.

Finally, there’s this girl standing in front of RCPI in Cubao, waiting for a bus.  She was late, so she looked at her watch to check just how late she was.  Just then she felt a hand slap her wrist, in an attempt to grab the watch.  Quick of wit, the girl screams ”Ay, putangina!” and spits on the offender’s hand.  Spits. On. It.  With a big glob of laway.  Maybe the girl has acid for spit, or it was just so weird - making that the snatcher yanks his hand away and runs, runs! without looking back.  The girl saw she wasn’t that late after all.

Only one of these stories happened to me; the rest happened to other people.  But they are all true.  All true.  How can I possibly make this up?   There’ll be more soon.          

pen hecked: a tribute

This is a PILOT - S Better Retractable/Refillable JS - GP Fine Point.  It’s a cheap ballpoint pen.  Actually, I have no idea how much it is now, because I have had this particular pen for almost 9 years.  Those of you who’ve had pens and lost them not minutes after purchase know how impressive it is to have a 9  - year old pen.  Most of you have even tried the “that sticker with my name on it means it’s mine” technique and know how useless that is after a few “pahiram ballpen“s.  Nobody gives a Sheaffer that the pen has an owner.  And I know that the sticker is not the reason for my pen’s longevity; I’ve had to change stickers as often as I’ve had to re - fill the pen itself.

This ballpen has been around the (writer’s) block and back.  And forth.  I’ve brought it with me to shoots in Vigan, Tagaytay, Malacanang.  It’s been to a furniture factory, several squatters’ areas, and the Senate.  I write stories, sign checks, take down notes, doodle, make journal entries and edit scripts with it.  It’s been to America, Malaysia and Hong Kong.  One day it will go to Italy and Great Britain, France, Africa and Jamaica.  And it’s made several trips around my thumb; you know, that twirling trick with the ballpen that has become part of one’s college education.

I guess it would be far more chi - chi to say I have a Montblanc or a Parker (no matter how old it is), but I don’t think that’s half as impressive as having for nine years a ballpen that has a reputation for being walain.  I still don’t know why I haven’t lost this pen, though there have been a few close calls.  I once worked on a Senator’s TV show, and she would come to work with her expensive little bag, and there would be, oh, 5, 6 pens in it (madalas Parkers, and I’ve seen a Montblanc, too), none of which she owns.  Most people (me included) use a computer for everything, and PDAs are all the rage, but I find that I need to physically write everything down, still and too.  With this pen.  Nine years old.  It knows too much about me.  I can never lose it.